3/25/05

Dear Bean,

It is so hard to know how to say what I feel about the place that you are in. Throughout my whole life it has been my way to discount the hard things in life and kind of move away from them and never really walk through the pain and the loss. You always tried to bring your best and I think you still are even today although it is so hard for me to really know how much you still see and feel. You always had the depth when I needed to talk and I

miss that now tremendously. One of the advantages we have in a big family is we can go to different people with different issues, news, challenges, you name it, and now it is hard without your vocal input to help steer me.

I miss you smiling and showing excitement when you pick up the phone and know it is me calling. I can tell you recognize me when I call now but you cannot express in the same manner. It’s funny but maybe you are showing us we have to try to listen in another way to you and what you still bring to all of us. Oh, Bean we miss you so much and want to hear you speak to us again and tell us of your journey over the last 14 months. God we want you to sit up and tell us the story and help us to know what you have gone through and what you need now.

The other night I was looking at the photo of all of us in your backyard at Megan and Sam’s Reception and thinking how lucky we are as a family and as people in general. You are on the far right and smiling your usual smile and it breaks my heart to think we may not see that smile again. There is so much to thank you for and so much to tell you about how my life is today.

I hear you are going up to the country club for Easter Brunch and it really makes me happy for you that you and Mike chose each other. He has shown me what a great man he is over the last year and you are both a testament to the kind of love I want in my life. I so much want to be able to make you laugh again and enjoy the way find joy in things. Every time Lori and I go to Si Senor I remember Rachel reaching out her hands that were covered with sugar and honey from the Sopapillas she was eating and I smile and wish for times like that again. It was on that trip that you and Mike were here that Dad died and I was so happy you guy’s were here and we could mourn together rather than me being alone and away from the whole family.

We don’t know where we go next in life but showing up and doing our best seems to be the best and only way to do life. Over the years in recovery I have learned to do the footwork and let God take care of the results. That lifestyle has served me well until your injury rocked the faith that had built up for me over the years. I guess we never know why and that is beyond our grasp or maybe there is no why and only what is. I am still hoping for a miracle out of you Bean although I do not know what that will look like or when it will occur. When we talk on the phone I always tell you to hang in there and then I wonder what you think about that and how you are able to hear what I say. We only have the power to hope and to pray and that is what I do with my energy for you. Powerlessness is something I do not deal with very well but it is all we have in this situation so we must wait and hope and pray.

I love you very much and hope one day to be able to listen to you tell us your story and surprise many people with the return you make. Until then we will stick together and keep you in our hearts and prayers hoping that you find a way to come out a little farther for us all. So maybe one day soon you will be sitting on your porch and enjoying a fine day and helping me to celebrate the wedding day that will one day be coming for me!

Love, Shrugg